Mama
Photo of the day #25
April 22, 2022, 10:23 AM
Random photo from my collection.
This is the first photo that I sat down and didn’t immediately know what to write. I knew I wanted to title it Mama, but I wasn’t sure what direction it would go in. So, here I go…
In this photo is Courtney and Autumn on Autumn’s coming home day, which I wrote about in POTD #14. I look at Courtney’s gaze and wonder what she is thinking about in this moment with beautiful baby Autumn snuggled warmly on her shoulder. I have thoughts of motherhood and Courtney’s journey. One thing about Courtney is she didn’t have a perfect childhood. She didn’t have perfect parents all the time. She’s had trauma and she’s suffered. She could have been two types of mother. She could have been a victim. She could have felt sorry for herself. Despite all that she went through, she became the second type of mother. The one who puts their children first, no matter what. She was born to be a mother. From the moment she held her first baby boy, Levi, and even while he was in the womb. She knew she would fiercely take care of her baby.
She reminds me of my own sister Nickee, who, despite the hell she has been through in her life, has become an outstanding mother and wife. She chose not to let her trauma be a crutch but to let it be a fire that ignited a deep and uncompromising passion and duty to motherhood.
I don’t know why people become one or the other mother. I don’t think it’s weakness. Deep down, I think we all want the best for our children. Maybe it’s mental illness, drugs, or lack of support that keeps some mothers from mothering. Maybe it’s generations of the absence of nurturing. It is easy for me to say, “just be a mom”, when I’ve had all the privileges and safety in my lifetime. I can’t understand it, but I know it’s complex.
Last year I went to a meeting to become a CASA, a “Court Appointed Special Advocates”. From their website,
The CASA volunteer advocate is a trained advocate, 21 years or older, who works under the supervision of a local CASA volunteer coordinator. The CASA volunteer serves as the independent extra set of ‘eyes and ears’ of the court, gathering information from the child, their biological parents, foster parents, teachers, counselors, and others. The CASA makes recommendations to the judge as to what services or actions are in the child’s best interest. https://pacasa.org/
Having children of my own, unlocked an entirely new layer to my being that I was not expecting. I gained a new perspective of my own childhood, and the childhoods of the generations of women before me. I took on a new perspective of motherhood. I wanted to be a CASA, because all children deserve to be safe and loved. When I learned the number of volunteer hours involved, I decided I couldn’t do it at this point in my life. I felt sad and disappointed, as if I was turning my back on children who might need me. But I know I have two children here in my home that need me right now. So maybe there will be another chance for that one day. Without getting too personal, many of you already know that my older sister Nickee and I were adopted by our grandparents when I was 9 months old. Then Nickee went on to foster care when I was five. There’s a story there one day I’ll share when the timing is right. But the point is, maybe I wanted to right a wrong or try to fix what was broken in my own family.
So when I look at Courtney and the word that comes to mind is “Mama”, I feel gratitude towards her for doing what not all mothers can do, and that is to persevere. It is hard. Really hard. It takes more than just love. It takes an animal-like instinct to make your life’s purpose to keep and protect your children. You have to surrender to it. You are not just ‘you’ anymore. You are a mother.