Photo of the Day #14 – April 22, 2022

 

Photo of the Day #14

Coming Home

Photo of the day #14
April 22, 2022, 10:39 AM
Random photo from my collection.

I had the privilege of joining my brother-in-law and sister-in-law on their daughter Autumn’s coming-home-day from the NICU. It’s hard to look at this happy moment without feeling an immense amount of sadness. Autumn’s twin sister Alexis would not be coming home with her. My sister-in-law Courtney had an emergency c-section one late night when she was only 23 weeks pregnant with twins. The doctors were not able to revive Alexis, and Autumn was touch and go for a while. We got the call in the morning. My husband Zac walked into the hallway to answer the phone. I started to hear him cry, and I knew something awful had happened. He said Alexis didn’t make it.

I felt guilt for the happiness that I had with my own 3-month-old baby. We were supposed to see Zac’s parents that day, and I had dressed Johanna in an outfit that Mammy, Zac’s mom, had gotten her. I was afraid to ever put her in that outfit again because it reminded me of that morning, and I somehow worried if she wore it again, something bad would happen. My stomach sank at the realization that it could have been us, or it could be anyone. Life is so precious. It’s already hard enough being pregnant and worrying about everything. There’s always that “one thing” I worry about deep in the back of my mind whenever someone is pregnant.

Zac and I drove to the hospital. Al said if we wanted to meet Alexis, there was a window of time where we could see her. We had to take turns visiting because of COVID regulations. Zac went with Al first. Then I went with Al. We stopped at Autumn’s room first. The room was kept dark. He lifted up the cover, which revealed the tiniest baby connected to tubes and wires. There was relief seeing her there and the readouts on the machines letting us know she was still breathing. I was scared to get close, worrying that even my presence would affect her tiny immune system.

Then we visited Alexis. The room was much brighter. It felt empty except for Alexis dressed in a beautiful pink crocheted dress and cap. Her skin was still pink and soft. I was so mad that she would be taken away when she looked so perfect. How could this be? I felt bad for Al, who had to stand next to me and relive his grief over and over again.

The chaplain visited while I was in Courtney’s room and she did a short prayer for Alexis and the parents. Courtney, who was still in an awful lot of pain, swaddled Alexis close. Worried this moment would be lost forever, I snapped a few quiet photos with my phone.

Over the next few weeks, I think we all waited with bated breath to know Autumn was in the clear. It was confusing to feel excitement for Autumn and grief for Alexis at the same time. After three months in the NICU, Autumn was finally ready to come home, which, as exciting as it was, would present its own share of nervousness. Courtney asked if I could take some photos of Autumn’s coming home day. I saw amazing resilience in two parents who had been through so much. I saw the strength and courage to push through. I saw fear and worry about having to leave the safety of the hospital and begin the journey at home.

This story really minimizes what Courtney and Al went through. I appreciate Courtney giving permission to share my reflection. I don’t think anyone should have to live through losing a child alone.